


In Which the Boys Talk

by Fallende



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Jokes about incest, M/M, and changes format, chapter 5 gets serious, mentioned rose / kanaya, the boys have some weird conversations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-02-26 10:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2649224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallende/pseuds/Fallende
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB: OMG JEGUS DAVE<br/>EB: i was talking about your shirt size!<br/>EB: SHIRT SIZE!<br/>EB: because i saw a shirt that reminded me of you<br/>EB: and i was gonna buy it!<br/>EB: but now i don’t know if i want to!<br/>--<br/>Dave consistently misunderstands John and things just steamroll into conversations of the weirdest caliber.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Size

**Author's Note:**

> This is old and from ff.net, I just didn't post it here cuz I was too lazy to do the formatting  
> Second part has been prototyped and should be up in a few days.  
> Get ready for a lot of dick talk kids.

_\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:18 pm--_

EB: dave  
EB: dave  
EB: daveeeeee

TG: what?

EB: how big would you say you are?

TG: uh  
TG: is this really happening?

EB: what?  
EB: of course it is! i don’t know and its important!

TG: this is important huh  
TG: well i can assure you im not little

EB: but you kind of are

TG: what  
TG: that depends how you define little  
TG: i mean, the scales differ here  
TG: are we talking like asian dude little?  
TG: cuz i assure you i am not asian dude little.  
TG: i mean, even if were talking not asian dude here im not little  
TG: like, at the least average  
TG: the least

EB: i guess people in asia are skinnier than people in america

TG: and like stumpy too  
TG: id like to assure you that i am not infact stumpy

EB: …wait  
EB: omg

TG: also, are we talking like

EB: dave

TG: half mast  
TG: or full sail?

EB: AAAAAAAAAAUGH  
EB: EWW  
EB: OMG JEGUS DAVE  
EB: i was talking about your shirt size!  
EB: SHIRT SIZE!  
EB: because i saw a shirt that reminded me of you  
EB: and i was gonna buy it!  
EB: but now i don’t know if i want to!

TG: oh  
TG: omg wow

EB: do asain people have smaller penises?  
EB: also, did you just use assassins creed to describe erections?

TG: well i mean  
TG: if karkats rambling about our miniature oriental wangs means anything  
TG: hes implying that we have little dicks  
TG: and therefore that oriental people have smaller penises  
TG: i figure he must know these things

EB: eww  
EB: i don’t think thats true

TG: but its okay  
TG: the chicks always say size doesnt matter  
TG: its what you do with it

EB: … are you trying to defend small penises?

TG: what  
TG: no

EB: …do you have a small penis?

TG: jesus no

EB: cuz you’ll still be my bro  
EB: even with a small penis

TG: no  
TG: egbert  
TG: like almost seven inches

EB: ….  
EB: holy fuck

TG: the internet says like six is average

EB: i never wanted to know that dave  
EB: never

TG: dont lie to me

EB: i think i might puke

TG: shut up  
TG: every guy worries about it  
TG: every one  
TG: like is little jimmy more loaded than i am  
TG: cuz i am way fuckin loaded  
TG: but the little ones are always the ones that are secretly packing  
TG: what if little jimmy is actually big fuckin jimmy  
TG: and then you become worried that someones more packed than you  
TG: and its like a vicious cycle of endless worry that you are the smallest guy in the room

EB: do you worry about this dave?

TG: i dont got to  
TG: got nothin to worry about

EB: cuz i’m sure no one actually worries about this

TG: i fuckin swear to you dude  
TG: ampora

EB: well thats an exception  
EB: of course eridan would worry about that

TG: and zahhak  
TG: in fuckin english  
TG: i fuckin swear to you bro  
TG: my poor innocent ears picked up on this shit  
TG: im now aware the size of amporas man meat  
TG: his big kahuna  
TG: which was actually an average kahuna

EB: omg  
EB: stop

TG: and zahhak

EB: dave  
EB: STOP

TG: who was like asian dude on the scale

EB: FUCK YOU  
EB: ….  
EB: i feel like  
EB: he’d be like small  
EB: but like  
EB: super beefed

TG: way super thick  
TG: like a potato

EB: omg  
EB: smh dude  
EB: smhing so hard

TG: youre laughing  
TG: so stop  
TG: its not funny its sad  
TG: probably not as sad as your little man crush though  
TG: i bet nic cage has a tiny dick  
TG: fuckin microscopic  
TG: need an electron microscope for that shit

EB: shut up!

TG: sir we cracked the lens!  
TG: had to zoom so close we broke the lens!  
TG: and anyways m waiting

EB: waiting for what?

TG: well come on bro  
TG: i told you  
TG: bros share this shit

EB: what  
EB: no  
EB: that will never happen dave  
EB: this isn’t even happening!

TG: its okay if your smaller than me  
TG: i mean i am taller  
TG: and just all together better  
TG: and sexier

EB: shut up!  
EB: that’s not true!  
EB: fuck!  
EB: like 6 ½ okay!!!!

TG: see  
TG: no need to be upset  
TG: you couldn’t beat a strider

EB: fine  
EB: you started this dude  
EB: were making this happen  
EB: circumference

TG: dont use your fuckin math terms at me  
TG: and anyways i bet i still beat

EB: i’m sure you do dave  
EB: beat it  
EB: but come on dude  
EB: i’m stronger than you, that must mean something!

TG: im ignoring the mj reference  
TG: okay well then I have to check  
TG: we are talking hard?  
TG: cuz im gonna have to get a string  
TG: and  
TG: hard

EB: fuck

TG: this might take a minute

EB: dave

TG: was that a scandalized fuck  
TG: or a breathy desperate fuck  
TG: its okay if you want the d  
TG: its a pretty great d

EB: thats it  
EB: i’m gone  
EB: goodnight dave!

TG: wait  
TG: egbert  
TG: youre right this is important  
TG: can you really go to bed not knowing whether your pecker is fatter than me or not  
TG: can that thing dish out more seed  
TG: can you go to bed thinking im bigger and better than you in every way  
TG: i think we both know im better anyways  
TG: but are you thicker?  
TG: that is the question  
TG: john

EB: just  
EB: jerk yourself and give me an answer already dude  
EB: …  
EB: hurry it up!  
EB: i actually need to sleep tonight

TG: wait  
TG: you go first

EB: what!

TG: cuz  
TG: I feel like you would be that guy  
TG: that one guy  
TG: that guy who waits for the other guy to say it first just so he can one up him with a larger number

EB: i already told you that i was shorter!  
EB: so we both know i’m not that guy  
EB: but now i’m worried that you are!

TG: when the clock strikes midnight  
TG: we post

EB: wow that sounds corny

TG: midnight egbert  
TG: then we can truly know one another  
TG: and the closer we get the more our love will grow

EB: i hate you

TG: love you too  
TG: okay  
TG: 3.95

EB: **4 ¼**

TG: fuck

EB: 3.95 really?  
EB: you had to be that exact?

TG: im playing the its what you do with it card again  
TG: two out of three is still winning

EB: okay terezi sucked you off one time  
EB: cuz she has that weird thing with tasting people  
EB: she still asks me if i want to share in her findings  
EB: its weird

TG: okay but thats more than youve had

EB: i’ve had an actual girlfriend

TG: but we both know nothing happened there  
TG: virgin boy  
TG: your sloppy make outs dont count

EB: i hate you

TG: code for  
TG: i want the d  
TG: very tsundere john

EB: okay i’m going to bed!  
EB: and i’m going to erase this conversation from my head so i can actually fucking sleep!

TG: youre gonna stay awake thinking about my schlong

EB: wow that word is such a turn off

TG: implying that before you were turned on

EB: fuck you  
EB: code for  
EB: no you pretentious fucknugget

TG: when you start channeling karkat its time to go to bed

EB: yes.

_\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 00:09--_

TG: gnight  
TG: love you


	2. ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting on this keeps switching up when I try to preview so gimmie a few to fix it. You can still read it just, might look a little color wonky.

_-ectoBiologist [_ **_EB_ ** _] began pestering turntechGodhead [_ **_TG_ ** _] at 21:06 pm-_

**EB:** hey dave  
 **EB:** can i ask you a… kinda personal question

**TG:** yeah shoot

**EB:** like about your body  
 **EB:** really? i mean it is kinda weird

**TG:** you mean like what size is your underwear or how long does it take you to reach completion  
 **TG:** i mean ill answer either but you gotta give me a reason

**EB:** i don’t know why i come to you for these things

**TG:** cuz im the master sleuth of sexual shenanigans  
 **TG:** the head honcho of hot hardness

**EB:** it’s cool i’ll just ask karkat

TG: this amount of knowledge surpasses that of even the most fastidious tomfooler of fornication  
 **TG:** ew dont ask him  
 **TG:** like do you really wanna know personal things about his body

**EB:** i don’t wanna know personal things about anyones body

**TG:** okay but you asked me  
 **TG:** so obviously you wanna know something about mine  
 **TG:** its okay to ask for help when you need it egbert im glad to tell you anything  
 **TG:** but the response varies based on what kinda banging we mean here 

**EB:** i’m gonna regret asking this  
 **EB:** what the hell are you talking about

**TG:** quickies obviously arent meant to last long  
 **TG:** but id say i could outlast even the best of em

**EB:** uggh i knew it

**TG:** i can be quick as a fox  
 **TG:** or tender as a mother lover

**EB:** Are you implying my dead mother is hot again?

**TG:** no  
 **TG:** jesus john

**EB:** hehe I know you worship me but i’m not quite jesus, dave

**TG:** shut your whore mouth  
 **TG:** how hard of a thrust would you call average  
 **TG:** and then of course that spreads its branches  
 **TG:** deep slow thrusts meant to hit home 

**EB:** i don’t quite know dave  
 **EB:** since i’m sure you’re about to tell me, what would you consider average?

**TG:** or shallow with speed **  
TG:** perhaps we should get jade shes the physics genius here

**EB:** we are not getting my fucking sister to calculate your average thrust capacity

**TG:** this isnt star trek john **  
TG:** but i guess your measly brains will have to do

**EB:** fine. 50 newtons.

**TG:** seems kinda steep dontcha think  
 **TG:** like how many newtons is a punch i feel like that sounds accurate  
 **TG:** thrusting so hard you knock em out  
 **TG:** KO ref start the countdown 

**EB:** i dunno i just pulled that number outta my ass

**TG:** 3…2…1 and theyre out  
 **TG:** strider the destroyer reigning sex champion  
 **TG:** or i dunno fisting  
 **TG:** be careful what you keep up there ya twink  
 **TG:** also how long 

**EB:** ….  
 **EB:** fine. lemme do some research then.

**TG:** ill just wait here  
 **TG:** patiently awaiting the fruits of your labor  
 **TG:** my name is dave and im waitin here for johnny  
 **TG:** hes gonna tell me little something what to do a with mah honey  
 **TG:** see to him it dont matter if ya big or small 

**EB:** you suck at rapping

**TG:** he gonna teach ya how to use that southern haul

**EB:** average human male is 62kg  
 **EB:** assuming thrust requires movement of the full body, mg = 607.6n  
 **EB:** so no 50n is not steep 

**TG:** okay but im skinnier than the average human male  
 **TG:** also those prob arent texans

**EB:** oh i’m sorry i forgot this was all about you  
 **EB:** is 58kg fine

**TG:** i guess

**EB:** good. 568.4n

**TG:** kay so about those thrust speeds

**EB:** uggh  
 **EB:** how many thrusts per second

**TG:** lets go 2  
 **TG:** make this a desperate closet blowie  
 **TG:** thrusts shallow 

**EB:** who even gives those

**TG:** tz  
 **TG:** rose if she wasnt gay  
 **TG:** i mean i would 

**EB:** DAVE ****  
EB: that was a rhetorical question ****  
EB: okay, change in x = 7.62cm  
 **EB:** initial velocity is 0 

**TG:** come on eggy

**EB:** ….i’m gonna need an average number of thrusts here

**TG:** oh  
 **TG:** i dunno a hundred

**EB:** kay  
 **EB:** i’m making this way more complicated than it is

**TG:** always good to be thorough  
 **TG:** specially when its about the do

**EB:** 100 thrusts at 2 thrusts per second  
 **EB:** you’re gonna last 50 seconds

**TG:** shit that aint right

**EB:** wow dave, you really are a quicky :B

**TG:** no do the mother lovin

**EB:** uggh dave why!

**TG:** youre the one wanting to know personal things about my bod

**EB:** sometimes i think, daves my best friend, i can ask him things  
 **EB:** and then others i wish i could go back in time and punch myself in the face

**TG:** youre channeling karkat again

**EB:** i just wanted to know if you’d ever bought condoms!!!

**TG:** nada

**EB:** because my dad handed me a box today  
 **EB:** and it was probably the worst experience of my whole life

**TG:** sometimes bro fills drawers full of magnum XLs in my room

**EB:** what a perfect asshole

**TG:** right?

**EB:** right.

**TG:** …. **  
TG:** you mad at me?

**EB:** no i’m not mad  
 **EB:** i just  
 **EB:** who gives closet blowies  
 **EB:** like how is there any room to move your head 

**TG:** youll learn some day  
 **TG:** innocent naïve little egg

**EB:** making love is supposed to be _love_ right?  
 **EB:** i’m not having sex unless i love the person

**TG:** shall i get you a promise ring?  
 **TG:** overly christian mom

**EB:** no shut up you loser

**TG:** i think you need to reread this and evaluate again who the loser is  
 **TG:** and anyways that depends how you define sex

**EB:** oh boy here we go

**TG:** like you can be all prude and say any touching behind the bathing suit is  
 **TG:** but like unless its full penetration  
 **TG:** id say bjs are foreplay 

**EB:** i’m glad you feel that way dave  
 **EB:** i choose not to think about how to define sex

**TG:** and then you have to decide if that penetration depends on like fingers or straight up schlongs

**EB:** ewwww please stop  
 **EB:** I told you I hate that word

**TG:** and then that further begs the question of lesbians  
 **TG:** like if you need a dick for sex then are rose and kanaya really doing it

**EB:** WHY DO YOU NEED TO REFERENCE THEM  
 **EB:** GOD DAMMIT FINE  
 **EB:** lesbians have sex  
 **EB:** you don’t need a dick  
 **EB:** penetration isn’t necessary  
 **EB:** blowjobs are sex 

**TG:** very conservative of you

**EB:** bluh why do half our conversations these days end up talking about dicks

**TG:** my dearest cousin would say this is freud  
 **TG:** we talk about dicks  
 **TG:** therefore we desire dicks 

**EB:** you bring it up  
 **EB:** i just go along with you

**TG:** therefore you want my dick  
 **TG:** i knew it

**EB:** no!  
 **EB:** it means i go along with you wanting dick

**TG:** what if i told you i want you to want my dick  
 **TG:** so you go along with wanting dick  
 **TG:** still wanting dick  
 **TG:** john? 

**EB:** did you just come on to me?

**TG:** no  
 **TG:** bros joke come on man  
 **TG:** oh my bad no homo  
 **TG:** were talking about wanting dicks but like not in a gay way  
 **TG:** okay fine i take it back  
 **TG:** john egbert is not a homosexual  
 **TG:** come on john 

**EB:** you know everyone else says you’ve been crushing on me since we were 12

**TG:** everyone else isnt me  
 **TG:** were strictly platonic up in this relationship  
 **TG:** as set up by john egbert  
 **TG:** who does not want my dick  
 **TG:** we cool? 

**EB:** I guess

**TG:** okay not to end on this train wreck  
 **TG:** but i still gotta write that chem essay

**EB:** yeah okay  
 **EB:** go on and run away

**TG:** yeah kay  
 **TG:** see ya tomorrow kid

_-turntechGodhead _[_ **TG** _] went idle at -22:17pm-__

**EB:** we’re strictly platonic cuz i set it up that way? ****  
EB: i don’t really think you denied the crush thing ****  
EB: dave?

_-turntechGodhead [_ **_EB_ ** _] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [_ **_TG_ ** _] at -22:35pm-_

**EB:** yeah okay we’ll just not talk about this  
 **EB:** like men 

_-ectoBiologist [_ **_EB_ ** _] began pestering turntechGodhead [_ **_TG_ ** _] at 22:36 pm-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My roommate asked me if she could ask me a person question related to my body.  
> Then this ensued.


	3. Just Your Type

_\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:22 pm—_

_** EB: ** _ _hey dave  
 **EB:** done avoiding me for the day?_

_**TG:** _ _the hell?  
 **TG:** i havent been avoiding you_

_** EB:  ** _ _okay, sure. hows the calc hw going?_

_**TG:** _ _you know i dont do hw_

_** EB:  ** _ _you did yesterday_

_**TG:** _ _mrs turnvlad said shed fail me if i didnt_

** EB:  ** oh **  
EB:** yikes

** TG:  ** jokes on her i got all the answers from the internet  
 **TG:** glory be to those on yahoo answers who actually answer old hw problems

** EB:  ** yeah but good luck on the test

** TG:  ** like im going to use calculus in my life ever **  
TG:** whatever how was the soccer game

** EB:  ** we lost. apparently latula threw a fit in the locker room

** TG:  ** ahh yes, the locker room. bane of all gay boys in existence everywhere

** EB:  ** its not that bad dave  
 **EB:** i mean it does smell youre right, but youre also really paranoid

** TG:  ** yeah right as if no towel slapping goes on in there

** EB:  ** not for the soccer team, no

** TG:  ** do you guys shower together after games?

** EB:  ** uggh  
 **EB:** yes

** TG:  ** oh shit  
 **TG:** so you do catch glimpses of eachothers junk and stuff  
 **TG:** come on bro you have to worry about how you compare to them at least then

** EB:  ** oh my god NO  
 **EB:** everyone just sort of keeps their eyes on their little cubicle and stuff  
 **EB:** just like going to the bathroom

** TG:  ** okay people take peeks in the bathroom

** EB:  ** maybe sensitive guys like you dave

** TG:  ** oh my god you did not just call me sensitive

** EB:  ** :B

** TG:  ** jesus fuck not the smiley face

** EB:  ** the smiley face!

** TG:  ** youre telling me nobodys ever asked to borrow shampoo and accidentally gotten a glimpse of hairy ballsac  
 **TG:** or reached down to grab the soap and whoops theres a dick in my ass

** EB:  ** i mean i can only speak for myself but no. that has never happened.  
 **EB:** locker rooms aren’t prison

** TG:  ** school = prison  
 **TG:** (school (locker rooms))  
 **TG:** therefore locker rooms = prison **  
TG:** you guys have never snickered about and tried to sneak into the girls locker room

** EB:  ** that happened but i didnt go

** TG:  ** oh man dude why didnt you go  
 **TG:** now they think you bat for their team

** EB:  ** i dunno it was inappropriate  
 **EB:** and no they dont  
 **EB:** i just didnt want to

** TG:  ** why the hell wouldnt you want to  
 **TG:** hell id want to

** EB:  ** dont freak out

** TG:  ** yeeees?

** EB:  ** i guess i’m just not really interested in girls  
 **EB:** NOT THAT I’M INTERESTED IN BOYS

** TG:  ** whomp there it is

** EB:  ** i guess just kissing and romance or whatever just dont usually appeal to me  
 **EB:** thats why vriska broke up with me remember?

** TG:  ** oh yeah how could i forget  
 **TG:** most amazing moment of my life seriously  
 **TG:** “you never kiss me john why do i always have to be the one kissing you? its not fair john do you not find me attractive?”  
 **TG:** hell no youre not attractive  
 **TG:** god she was skeezy

** EB:  ** i guess somehow i always knew she was kind of a bitch

** TG:  ** shes a mean one, mr Grinch  
 **TG:** i wouldnt touch that with a 39 ½ foot pole

** EB:  ** real clever dave

** TG:  ** okay so you dont wanna kiss boys, dont wanna kiss girls  
 **TG:** what do you want to kiss

** EB:  ** well  
 **EB:** i dunno….

** TG:  ** oh god i knew you had an unusual fondness for your lizard

** EB:  ** you’re disgusting  
 **EB:** she’s a salamander

** TG:  ** yeah okay sorry

** EB:  ** ….  
 **EB:** hey dave?

** TG:  ** so like have you never had a wet dream?

** EB:  ** whats your type?

_\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:55—_

_** TG:  ** _ _ hahahaha that was gold _  
** TG:  ** wait i just gotta use this shitty pickup line real quick ****  
TG: ur my typ bby  
 **TG:** okay get back here you child

_\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:04 pm—_

** EB:  ** i am not going to answer that question this time  
 **EB:** there is no way

** TG:  ** ill weasel it outta ya before the nights over

** EB:  ** your gonna answer mine  
 **EB:** you can’t say you don’t have a type

** TG:  ** nope sorry

** EB:  ** uggh  
 **EB:** alright you like guys theres one thing

** TG:  ** congrats, you found my type!  
 **TG:** it was boys!

** EB:  ** don’t be stupid  
 **EB:** like what eye color?

** TG:  ** i dont care  
 **TG:** oh wait hang on **  
TG:** i got a weak spot for dem sweet baby blues

** EB:  ** come on  
 **EB:** i already admitted something today its your turn

** TG:  ** ever had a wet dream?

** EB:  ** dave

** TG:  ** fine  
 **TG:** cute  
 **TG:** silly

** EB:  ** like physically  
 **EB:** dave

** TG:  ** dark hair i guess

** EB:  ** like robert downey jr?

** TG:  ** egbuns everyone has a crush on rdj  
 **TG:** even you do

** EB:  ** kay fine. tom hiddleston?

** TG:  ** could you stop naming teenage fangirl names?  
 **TG:** hes too actual real life gentleman  
 **TG:** i need to be the prince charming in the relationship

** EB:  ** you gotta be the knight in shining armor?

** TG:  ** yeah sure

** EB:  ** Sebastian Stan?

** TG:  ** what did i say about the fangirl thing?  
 **TG:** and no hes so angsty

** EB:  ** would you ever kiss karkat?

** TG:  ** jesus and you think im the pervert here  
 **TG:** no i would not kiss fucking karkat

** EB:  ** just asking cuz i know he kinda likes dudes too

** TG:  ** karkat has had a crush on everyone at least once at some point or another  
 **TG:** except me because what the hell

** EB:  ** you guys are suspiciously close  
 **EB:** like if i weren’t the best bro that everyone thought was your boyfriend karkat would be

** TG:  ** nobody would think hes my boyfriend because karkat doesnt have the uke thing going on that you do  
 **TG:** everyone thinks were dating cuz you ooze bottom

** EB:  ** that’s not true!

** TG:  ** its truer than true  
 **TG:** so whats your type dweeb?  
 **TG:** we can cross off girls, guys and furries  
 **TG:** whats left?

** EB:  ** please for the love of god will there ever be a time when you won’t remind me that my sister used to look at furry porn

** TG:  ** hell no

** EB:  ** i guess i like blondes

** TG:  ** that makes no sense nic cage aint blonde  
 **TG:** oh wait yeah it does  
 **TG:** rose vriska  
 **TG:** youre into hardcore goth chicks

** EB:  ** no

** TG:  ** both of them are dating chicks  
 **TG:** youre into lesbians!

** EB:  ** NO!  
 **EB:** freckles!

** TG:  ** who the hell do we know with freckles besides me and nep  
 **TG:** nepetas a ginger

** EB:  ** getting warmer

** TG:  ** i can see it youd fit together  
 **TG:** both all small and cutesy  
 **TG:** ever have a wet dream about her?

** EB:  ** you think i’m cute?  
 **EB:** NO I’VE NEVER HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT NEPETA

** TG:  ** but youve had a wet dream?

** EB:  ** OH MY GOD JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME!!!!!!!

** TG:  ** never!

** EB:  ** DO IT

** TG:  ** what are you even talking about you crazy kid

** EB:  ** I WILL COME OVER THERE

** TG:  ** no you wont  
 **TG:** drop it

** EB:  ** i already know come on!!

_\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:45—_

** EB:  ** you better not avoid me at school tomorrow again!  
 **EB:** i know where you live!!!!  
 **EB:** everybody’s told me dave apparently its not a secret  
 **EB:** look im sorry i was a dense asshole for 6 goddamn years  
 **EB:** and i kinda said some shitty things to you when we were younger  
 **EB:** okay fine a lot of shitty things  
 **EB:** dave!!!!!!!!  
 **EB:** *!

_\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:19—_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if theres any gramatical errors in this I'm not fixing them  
> I can't handle formatting this pesterlog thing I just can't  
> This is set up to have another chapter but it'll probably be a while again as I have to wait for inspiration on a silly convo to strike


	4. Truffle Butter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> urban dictionary is something that should be kept away from any teenager ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this is formatted differently and badly  
> no I don't care enough to fix it  
> sorry, this stuff is hard

_\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 19:31 pm-_  


TG: im proud to say that as a gay man I will never have the problem of truffle butter  
TG: im in love with the cocoa  


EB: ..??  
EB: Are you saying you’ve gone black?  


TG: what?  


EB: and are never coming back?  


TG: no you idiot its a nicki minaj song  


EB: okay good cuz I know for a fact that isn’t true  


TG: do you?  


EB: yeah. I’m mexican.  


TG: ?  
TG: oh thats right you still think i have a crush on you  


EB: yeah we still haven’t moved past that  


TG: good, lets start now  
TG: you do not know the meaning of truffle butter  
TG: and it is up to me to remedy that  


EB: I get the feeling I don’t want to know  


TG: you dont.  
TG: truffle butter  
Truffle butter is when you pull you dick out of the asshole an continue fucking her pussy, and the tan buttery substance around her pussy is truffle butter.  
Eat my pussy, hell nah bitch, not after I just put it in your pussy from your ass, you got truffle butter hoe!!  


EB: UUUUUUUUUUUUGH  
EB: how do you even know this stuff??!  


TG: are you kidding me  
TG: urban fucking dictionary  
TG: are you telling me you dont troll around on there looking up the most sexual terms in nature?  
TG: like at 3am and you gotta know the meaning of a blue waffle?  


EB: no because why would I ever need to know this?!  
EB: and why do you think I do these things when the answer is always no?!  


TG: hey little egg you never know  
TG: bet vriska takes it up both wahoos  


EB: Meenah can’t even put anything up both wahoos  


TG: oh my god bro  
TG: fingers  
TG: strap ons  


EB: nonononono nono no  
EB: stop it  


TG: alright lets play a little game  
TG: first person to find the most disturbing thing on urban dictionary wins  


EB: no I don’t wanna play!  
EB: dave  
EB: DAVE  


TG: Donkey Punch  
The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you ofcourse).  
I donkey punched Meredith last night, and It was awesome  


EB: DAVE  
EB: WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT JESUS FUCK POOR GIRL  


TG: bro sometimes you need to just stop asking questions  
EB: yes okay please don’t answer  


TG: Cleveland Steamer  
The cleveland steamer is far more specific than the listings I have seen here. A sexual act by nature (fetish) the cleveland steamer is when one person craps on another person's chest and (very important) then sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam roller.  
Billy had just gotten out of the shower, so me and John gave min a cleveland steamer.  


EB: I just  
EB: I can’t  
EB: I can fucking not  


TG: i feel like thats the kind of weird shit my bro would be into  


EB: NO  


TG: or eridans weird greaser older brother  


EB: NO  
EB: DO NOT START BRINGING UP NAMES YOU ASSHOLE  
EB: NOT AGAIN  


TG: come on bro its been your fucking turn  


EB: blumpkin  
The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.  


TG: party in the front, business in the back  


EB: ugh  
EB: I can’t believe I just fucking went to that website  
EB: and I can’t believe you had the nerve to say that  
EB: just ugh  


TG: its only part of growing up ebgert  


EB: ebgert?  


TG: stfu  
TG: im running out of stupid ways to say your name  
TG: Accidental Incest  
Having a realistic wet dream to wake up to hearing your parents having sex in the other room.  
"Mike, I had an accidental incest the other night!"  


TG: actually happened to me before  


EB: I  
EB: wait  
EB: are you saying you’ve had a wet dream about your bro  
EB: why didn’t you tell me this last time we were talking about wet dreams  
EB: it was like 4 freakin days ago  


TG: …  
TG: no  
TG: the dream doesnt have to be about your parents its just a wet dream and you wake up hearing them fuck  


EB: whyd you hesitate to say no  


TG: cuz ive had a wet dream about my brother  


EB: bathroom buckshot  
The act of having explosive diarrhea in close proximity to a toilet which results in fecal matter splatter on said toilet and nearby areas. Fecal matter splatter resembles the pattern of buckshot or birdshot. Usually associated with Radar Ass or Radar Butt.  
Antonym: Immaculate Defecation  


EB: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT  
EB: BACK THE FUCK UP HERE  
EB: why  
EB: when  
EB: how  


TG: you want the details about a wet dream involving my brother?  


EB:  
EB: yes  


TG: i was 15  
TG: it was after the accidental incest  
TG: i dunno I guess my subconscious just ran away from me after hearing the moaning  
TG: no it was not pleasant  


EB: good to know  


TG: it involved smuppets  
TG: i did not enjoy it  


EB: very good to know  


TG: can we get back to the game now  


EB: yes  
EB: thank you  


TG: Taint Ripper  
A man whose penile girth surpasses the area that the axe wound allows, therefore causing a tear from the point of insertion to the anus.  
\- Hey Monica , should I go on a date with Beau?

\- I wouldn't , I heard he was a real taint ripper.  


EB: dingleberry  
A delinquent partial turd which grasps anal shrubery causing brownish crust to accumulate in ones boxers.  


EB: how come most of these are about ass  


TG: remember how i told you to be careful about the questions  
TG: but idk people like ass  
TG: might as well paint it on the walls of the sistine chapel  


EB: its just  


TG: gonna have to find a modern day michaelangelo  


EB: like I can’t imagine anyone would actually enjoy any of these  
EB: like when do these actually happen often enough in real life that they get a nickname?  


TG: i can tell you this much the taint rippers a legitimate concern  
TG: meninist  
Butthurt men who don't want to share power with women because then they can't be the boss of everything.  
"I'm a meninist because my ego is so fragile that the idea of a woman making as much money as me is scary. Plus it's unfair. All I've got is being a man. Why do women have to have everything?"  


EB: throwing some shade there are we?  


TG: you bet your tight little pussy I am  
TG: aint nothing more disgusting  


EB: ok wait  
EB: I lied pause again  
EB: why is your subconscious caught on your brother moaning  


TG: have you heard dirk talk  
TG: all deep and throaty  
TG: his voice even gets me a little hot  


EB: ….. point taken  


TG: but like the years of mental scaring take away any enjoyment  
TG: like im turned on but im fucking horrified  


EB: mark me down as scared AND horny  
EB: alabama hot pocket  
the art of seperating the vagina lips and taking a shat inside (and possibly having sex with it afterwards)  


TG: okay you win  
TG: seen it before but  
TG: ive been all over the website and have never found anything worse  


EB: YES!  
EB: I’m so glad cause I don’t know how much more of that I could take  
EB: I’m crying here dave. Crying.  
EB: what do I win?  


TG: my sweet virgin mouth  
TG: open wide pooplord its about to get messy  
TG: hope youre not allergic to peanuts  


EB: and we’re back to here  


TG: oh fuck no  


EB: dave don’t you dare leave  


TG: wasnt planning to  


EB: okay good  
EB: we have things to talk about  
EB: like the fact that you’re attracted to your brother  
EB: and me  


TG: but now that you mention it  


_-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at -20:15 pm-_  


EB: UGH YOU KNOW WHAT  
EB: I’M SICK OF YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS  
EB: I HAVE A FUCKING CRUSH ON YOU TOO OKAY  


_-ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at -20:17 pm-_  


_\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:54 pm-_  


TG: if that wasnt a serious confession I am gonna kick your ass so hard at school tomorrow  


_-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at -21:55 pm-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you weren't already aware there is no update schedule or plans for another chapter  
> This may be the end  
> I may come up with something in another few months and add some more crap  
> who even freakin knows at this point


	5. They Finally fuckin Text

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap is over texts during school, not pesterchum okay guys??

**Message Received: “Egg & Bacon xoxoxo <33333<3” @ 9:32am**

 

So like, how did you figure it out? 

 

Jesus christ egbert its second period whats going on

 

Shut up you won't talk to me otherwise and I know you can't resist the urge to text during history

 

Shitbiscuits you caught me how can i help you

 

Oh man really, you're gonna speak to me? 

 

Im not sworn to fuckin silence egbert  
You gonna tell me what youre talkin about?

 

Well not with that attitude 

 

I swear to god egbert  
Spit it the fuck out

 

Or what? 

 

**Message Recieved: “Egg & Bacon xoxoxo <33333<3” @ 10:05am**

 

Okay geez I get it  
How'd you realize you were in love with me?  


 

Oh my fuck  
EGBERT

 

what? 

 

Id rather pay attention to ms paint lecture about the civil fucking war here

 

Calm down with the f words man 

 

You calm the fuck down with your pestering

 

Dude you haven't spoken an actual word to my face in 4 days  
Just tell me already  
Come on 

 

**Message Recieved: “Egg & Bacon xoxoxo <33333<3” @ 11:12am**

 

Quit being a pansy 

 

Oh no you fuckin didnt

 

Yes I did  
Tell me 

 

I dont know man I was like 13

 

HA!  
There it is 

 

Gonna turn my fuckin phone off eggs i s2g

 

Was it my charming smile? 

 

I dont fucin remember

 

* * *

 

 

Actually, you do remember. You remember it well.

 

His charming smile.

 

Quite on the dot actually.

 

If you could pinpoint an exact moment when you realized you were in love with your best friend, this would be it. Harder still to say when exactly you fell in love with him. You supposed the feeling was always there, probably when you first set eyes on his stupid nerdy face. But you figured it out when you were 13. And that the feeling was probably never going to go the fuck away.

 

There's not even anything special about the timing. Or the place or the atmosphere. You've literally just turned 13 years old and are walking home from a pizza joint with this bucktoothed kid you'd met not even half a year ago. There's snow piled up on the ground and your hands are shoved deep into your pockets because this shit didn't fall in Texas why the fuck is it so cold outside and why do you still not understand the concept of mittens.

 

But John's nothing but bundle of joy, jogging ahead of you to reach his luckily gloved hands into a snow drift to take a bite. He turns around and grins at you and that's it, that's the moment, snow shoved in his mouth and all.

 

You're literally stopped in your booted tracks. John teases you, giggling that you need to lighten up and have more fun, it's your birthday for heaven's sake. You realize your staring probably doesn't seem nice. But those pearly whites and shining blue eyes are stuck on autoloop in your head and you're not even able to respond, just stand there like an asshole and he probably thinks your acting like an idiot.

 

He gives you a funny look and scoffs, turning on his heel to tramp into the snow and find the perfect spot for a snow angel. And you're still frozen in place and its not even the fucking cold doing this to you it's just some idiot's smile.

 

This kid literally always did this to you. Got you caught all up like this. All it took was a smile or a nudge on your shoulder and you'd just cease function.

 

He's on his back in the cold ass snow making a stupid angel and you realize he is one. He's the center of your world and has been since the day you met him and you can't imagine how you were able to survive in Texas without him.

 

Your life's a fucking wreck.

 

* * *

 

**Message Recieved: “Egg & Bacon xoxoxo <33333<3” @ 11:17am**

 

Telllllll meeeeeee 

 

It was your fuckin smile you happy

 

Yes =]  
=]=]=]=]  
Is your heart skipping beats 

 

Doki doki

 

:B  
Give me the story I want the whole story 

 

you're spoiled you know that

 

=] 

 

* * *

 

 

He's adorable. He's fucking adorable and even when you're pissed and trying to avoid him he's still got you wrapped around his little finger.

 

* * *

 

 

It was my birthday okay  
you insisted we had to try out some new pizza place since my bro didn't take me out  
said there had to be a celebration even if it was a shitty one

 

!!!!!!!!!!!  
I remember that!!!!  
That was the first birthday we had together  
Awwwwwww 

 

My teeth are rotting

 

What? 

 

Nevermind

 

* * *

 

 

Kid's sweeter than candy and he doesn't even know it.

 

You can't even believe you told him. He's been bugging you for the past 2 weeks, ever since you let slip that stupid crush on him. At first he was angry, insisting to know why you never told him. To be honest, you'd meant to keep it a secret for the rest of your life. Your future was all planned out, pining after him while he moved on to his picket fence house and two and a half kids and darling beautiful wife and you'd be that awkward uncle who was unmarried but always hung around, siphoning happiness and belonging from the perfect happy family.

 

You're 18 years old and you've already got the next 15 years of misery planned out for yourself.

 

But somebody had gone and fucking told him.

 

A chat with Karkat two days after the confession revealed who it was. Kanaya, though you didn't have it in you to be mad as she had probably meant well. John and the girls had apparently been talking after an exam one afternoon about a month and a half ago. He'd inquired why you'd never had a girlfriend.

 

(“Or, well I guess boyfriend. I mean we always tease him about being gay but I think he actually is.”)

 

(“Oh yes, definitely. He's gayer than me, John.” Rose snorts at her own lame joke.)

 

(“But like he's so popular! It's not like he can't just ask anyone!”)

 

(“Well, maybe not anyone.” Rose's face turns a little more serious. She averts her gaze. Something's up.)

 

(“What?”)

 

(“You can't tell us you really don't know, John.” Kanaya raises an eyebrow at him. Rose's eyes widen and she gestures a hand across her throat. 'CUT IT OUT', it says. Too late.)

 

(“Don't know what?”)

 

“BUT YOU CAN'T TELL HIM I TOLD YOU! He came to me about that in confidence. Wanted to know if I had known about it too. It's like he's never seen his name in your fucking phone christ almighty!”

 

Yeah, well, thanks a lot geniuses. Now your friendship's thrown out of whack and you can't even look longingly after him in the hallway without wanting to bury your face in shame.

 

Still, it was such a badly kept secret and it's shocking that only the oblivious kid himself hadn't known. It shouldn't really surprise you that he was going to find out. If it hadn't been Kanaya, it would have been Jade. You're actually surprised she'd kept her mouth shut that long. (You'd thought she'd be mad, after that crush she'd had on you and your rejection. But she'd been so cool about it once she'd found out. She really was a great friend.)

 

So you've been reduced to avoiding him face to face and averting the conversations when he caught you off guard. And after all this time and all this nagging you've finally broken and it's only been two goddamn weeks.

 

* * *

 

 

**Message Recieved: “Egg & Bacon xoxoxo <33333<3” @ 11:24am**

 

Hey dave?  
Thanks. 

 

Lucky for you im such a goddamn saint

 

Saints don't say the lords name in vain 

 

A goddamn saint john

 

Okay =P  
So it was my smileeeee  
And we were 13  
And we were getting pizza for your birthday 

 

You werent 13 legbert

 

Legbert  
Lame  
More like lamebert 

 

stfu that was worse  
You think im the lame one here take a look in the mirror boy  
That shit shines so bright off of you it could blind a fuckin baby  
Do you enjoy blinding babies john 

 

But you looooovvveeee meeeeee 

 

**Message Recieved: “Egg & Bacon xoxoxo <33333<3” @ 11:45am**

 

Kay sorry 

 

s okay

 

Thanks 

 

fuckin saint

 

Okay  
..um  
Dave? 

 

Yes my child  
Tell saint david all your worries  
Confess to me your sins

 

You hate being called david 

 

stfu im allowed to call myself it if i wanna

 

why do you purposely set your autocorrect to uncapitalize your i's 

 

You gonna tell me whats up now or what

 

Kay  
I was like 15 or 16  
I think when I started getting a crush on you 

 

* * *

 

 

Your brain short-cicruits. Or maybe it's your heart.

You hate that he does this to you.

Kid needs to stop fuckin with your head. He's probably pranking. Has a tendency to take them too far.

 

You turn off your phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for ending it there I was gonna finish it I swear and then I was like  
> This is a perfect stopping point  
> And then it happened  
> Anyways don't forget about my tumblr guys I'm @geringeding  
> This chapter was written because I doodled [this](http://geringeding.tumblr.com/post/140362169058/john-you-dont-know-what-your-cuteness-does-to-him) little pic last night  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh what 10th grade english class can do to you.  
> If you see any errors lemme know, I formatted this haphazardly.  
> check me out on tumblr @ geringeding.tumblr.com


End file.
